Quez (quez) wrote,

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Fun with Flights: a travelogue

Recently, I did my best to return home. Apparently, you can't go home again. Yes, very wise saying... very applicable here...

No, wait a minute. It doesn't apply at all. I wasn't try to regain a lost childhood. I was just trying to get home. Literally.

I was stuck in Ronald Reagan Airport in Washington, D.C. this Friday. As if the name wasn't enough to make you shudder. (In complete denial, I took to pronouncing it Reegan - the cabbies didn't appreciate it) I had a 7pm flight, and they decided to cancel the flight and shut down the whole airport at about 8:45 because of storms out west. This little jerkwater air-shack had a 10pm curfew for flights.

So, I along with several hundred other saps hit the phones looking for rooms. What luck, I found one, and even got a new flight for 8am the next morning. I could get home and get nice breakfast.

Got up early, went to the airport. Even boarded the plane. The 7am got out just fine. The 9am went off without a hitch. The 8am sat at the gate while the ground crew took turns looking at the hole they found in the engine. They didn't bother to tell us until all the standbys where well stacked up.

Next step stand in line for a new flight. I get 2 people away from the counter, and they decide to hold a foot-race to the gate for who can fly to LaGuardia and then to this place I like to call the increasingly expensively parked car in Chicago.

After trampling a few people, I got on the flight, but had a bad feeling that I was going to be stuck in NY. I didn't even have to wait that long for the bad stuff to continue.

We were approaching LaGuardia. The pilot had not even bothered to tell us that he was trying to land, when I look outside and see water. The airport is built next to the water, but couldn't see any land! All I saw before the idiot punched the engine to climb away was a red and white painted pier that wouldn't try to land a bike on.

After that we spent 30 minutes circling, while I am sure the tower was heckling the braintrust in the nose. and true to form when we landed they kicked us off the plane.

Got into another line. They were much more informative than the last line. They said that they had enough room for 17 people. Funny, they said 30 at Reegan? But it was ok, because I was only 11 people back. Ah basking in the feeling of being homeward bound I heard them start calling out names instead of taking us in line order.

What do you know. Didn't get that flight. Instead I got one for 2pm.

Hmm.. I hadn't eaten all day. So, I went for a snack, of which there were almost none. I consolled myself with some doritos and a bag of twizlers. best damn flavored rubber I ever had.

So, I read a little relaxing in the knoweledge that soon I would be homeward bound. We boarded on time. This was a good sign, but then nothing else happened. Apparently, the crew was still flying in on another flight. 3pm the crew shows up, and SPENDS THE NEXT HOUR futzing. no anouncements; no drink; a lame oatmeal bar. Then out of the goodness of his heart the captain comes on and says that it will be at least another 90 minutes before we get off the ground, because of the line to take off.

At this point the herding instinct breaks and HALF THE PLANE stands up and tries to run off the plane on an errand. No one seems to understand that we have to close the door to get in line to take off. After most of the plane comes to it senses, only three people are arguing with the pilot and the attendants at the door. 30 minutes go by. It's just one guy. Get on get off. Make up your fucking mind.

The calm acceptance of fate that I had been cultivating since 6pm the night before finally collapsed, and in that moment the fucker decides to stay on board, but not before electing to take a shit to delay our departure further.

After waiting for 2 dozen planes, the flight was easy. We got no food, so I got a tomato juice to keep my stomach from eating itself. I was only half successful. Then it was a turbulent flight home.

Oh, did I mention that the lady I ran over to get the flight to NY sat next to me on flight home?
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